Do you have a shelf life? Maintaining identity after retirement
How to stay vibrant, purposeful, and connected when the 9-to-5 ends but life keeps going.
Welcome back to our sunny corner booth, dear one. Today I’m taking a week off from cooking and instead offering protein bars that I got on bulk sale. Sorry if this is a disappointment, but it gives you insight into my daily (suboptimal) breakfast-on-the-run while working. As a physician-epidemiologist with aspirations to save the world, two kids at home, and a marriage, I had scarce time for the kind of home-cooked breakfasts that I enjoy serving up and eating today.
The change came at age 60, when I jumped off the early retirement cliff. I’d spent 30 years with exactly zero work/life balance, and I felt overdue for a make-over. I had no plan – only a need to expand my horizons - rediscover what brought me joy. Was it scary? Yes- way scary.
Today, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, but it’s taken a lot of trial and error to get here. By sharing what I’ve learned, I hope I can shorten your learning curve. No matter your age, even if this seems too far off to think about, even if it’s 20 or 30 years from now, “well informed is well prepared,” as my mother used to say.
Encountering Café Rush without a recipe
Retirement is like entering Mom’s Diner kitchen an hour before the breakfast rush except you’re not Mom. In fact, this is your first time you’ve ever walked into an industrial kitchen and you barely know how to cook. The Assistant Chefs are all staring at you expectantly. They ask, “What’s on the menu? How should we prepare today’s Specials?” You’re frantically thinking: Ecofriendly vegan stew? Hearty comfort oatmeal? Pick your own fillings omelet? Without instructions, a formula, a menu, you’re panic-struck.
That’s what I felt like when I impulsively resigned from my final job. My work had always been my identity. What would give my life continued purpose? Would I sit home twiddling my thumbs and be bored out of my gourd?
Finding my recipe
After a lot of “Come to Jesus” conversations with myself, I had an insight. I’d retired exactly because I DIDN’T want work to take over my life. I no longer felt duty-bound to save the world. Instead, it was time to (as Zen Buddhists say) do things that are good for nothing. Not really nothing – but good without colossal expectations. Time to focus on giving small gifts to loved ones and my community. To do stuff just because it brings me joy. To have new experiences. Feed my curiosity. Bond more closely with family. It was as if I’d told the Sous Chefs at the Diner that the Special of the Day would be a taster plate serving all the comfort foods that the customers and I most love.
In a Harvard Study of Adult Development, people who found purpose in their post-retirement years had significantly higher levels of life satisfaction and (fingers crossed) better cognitive function. Another, 2024 study from the Stanford Center on Longevity found that people who maintain strong social connections and engage in meaningful activities after retirement live an average of 7.5 years longer than those who don't. Fingers crossed doubly.
In retirement, I’ve learned I’m a devoted “culture vulture”. David had always loved going to the symphony and, for years, I resisted. I’d tag along with my tail low and my ears back like a sad dog. But after we both retired, I realized that greater ease brought a love for classical music, plays, dance, and classic movies. With the myriad events my city has to offer, I (with or without friends) get out and about at least four nights a week. I volunteer as an usher to bring some usefulness to my mania. I’ve also learned (actually I knew this) that I’m endlessly curious. So, like a vacuum, I suck up books on history and biography, science, and Sci-Fi and poetry (which I’ve started to write). My background, I’ve translated into consulting as an expert witness on public health cases for plaintiffs seeking compensation against Big Pharma. To serve humanity a bit more broadly, I’ve focused on shedding light on death (as you know, my legacy to David). This led to becoming a regular volunteer at a hospice, posting Mom’s Death Diner, and founding Fully Informed Conversations (
https://www.fullyinformedconversations.org/
), a foundation that provides resources to help ease the transition to death. A daily practice of mediation (za zen) has helped me find spiritual meaning and brought me to become active in a local Zen Temple (sangha). Finally, I wanted to get closer to my out-of-town kids, so I visit them as often as possible, and annually we travel to some more exotic destination together.
Finding your perfect menu.
Plan early. The key to retirement is having enough resources to do buy anything on the menu that suits your fancy.
Tips on Financial Planning can be found in previous blogs.
The goods, bads, and surprises of elder finances and
Nothing Says I Love You Like Cash
You’ll need to start planning and saving as early as possible, unless you’re making more cash than you can possibly spend or hit it big in the stock market. Skip the barista coffee, the carry-out lunch, and membership at the spa. Instead, go to work with a thermos full of coffee and a bag lunch; then come home to an exercise bike.
After you retire, consider options for making your savings last longer by limiting expenses. How about trading that big family home for an apartment or a tiny home? Buy an RV and make it your home-on-wheels? Move to a less expensive locale? If you live in the city, perhaps sell the car and take the bus or Uber/Lyft? Bike and walk both to get great exercise and to save on gas?
Cooking up something new
Does anyone learn to become a gourmet chef after age 70? For sure. Old dogs can learn new tricks as my friends have.
Larry became an artisan, an expert in clay
Rich is becoming a Renaissance Man through on-line classes
Jaculine writes poems, and now publishes
George has become a knowledgeable musicologist
Joslyn became a Master gardener
The power of giving back
Volunteering at a non-profit is a great way to find meaning. My friend John, a former math teacher, raised himself from a post-retirement funk about his relevance by leading elementary school tours at the local science museum. "I’m now the go-to-guy on Egyptology. Turns out, wisdom doesn't have an expiration date." My friend, Rita, loves babies and she says, “Rocking preemies at the local neonatal ICU is the most gratifying and peaceful thing I’ve ever done.”
Consider what you love to do and find local organizations that share that passion. One of my mentors from hospice made a single call and now, 35 years later, still offers her services as an “angel” at the bedsides of the dying. There are so many options: volunteering at a hospital, ushering at an arts venue, becoming a Big Brother/Sister or even fostering, serving meals to shut-ins, helping at a nursing home or a food bank or an international mission. The opportunities are endless.
Working – On Your Terms
You may have had all you can stand of full time work but still need income. Or you may be a Type A like me and can’t imagine entirely walking away from your professional identity. If so, consider gig work or consulting.
Yummys:
If you have special expertise, you can often command higher hourly rates than full-time workers
Control your schedule -- want summers off? Done!
Cherry-pick only the projects that excite you
No office politics or mandatory meetings
Work remotely
Exercise your mind but not your emotions
Yucks:
Can be feast or famine – best not to depend on a steady income
Need to handle your own benefits and taxes
Have to market yourself and find clients
May need to maintain professional certifications
Keeping up with technology may be challenging
An engineer friend designs home renovations for aging-in-place seniors. A former CFO reviews small business plans. A retired teacher tutors online from her RV while traveling the country.
Don't have specialized skills? No problem! Some of the happiest semi-retired folks I know chose completely different paths. My friend Sarah works the morning shift at a local bakery just to smell fresh bread and chat with customers. Maria folds laundry at the Laundromat and says she's never been more content -- it's meditation in motion with benefits. Lots of elders drive for profit or rent out rooms.
Travel – Choose your flavor
Oh, the places you'll go! (Thank you, Dr. Seuss). But first, let's bust a myth: You don't need to be a seasoned globetrotter or have deep pockets to explore the world post-retirement.
Here are some creative ways to satisfy your wanderlust:
Cruising. Cruise ships are floating hotels. You book, arrive at the dock, and they do the rest. You can chill in the Caribbean on a liner that is kid-friendly or is kids prohibited. You can opt for gourmet meals, or hamburgers/fries. You can also think beyond massive ships and elect for a river cruise through Europe's heart, a small expedition ship to the Galapagos, or cultural voyages through Asia. Wallet-saving tips: Book repositioning cruises (when ships change seasonal locations) or last-minute or Black Friday for amazing deals.
Organized Tours. Skip the generic bus tours. Consider photography safaris, cooking tours through Tuscany, or pottery workshops in Japan. Think bicycling in Thailand, hiking excursions along El Camino, educational tours through Road Scholar or university alumni associations. Wallet-saving tips: Consider doing your own bookings while mixing in inexpensive 1-2 day small bus tours or pay-as-you-wish walking tours or self-guided tours or cooking/art classes with locals.
Home-Base Travel
Rent an apartment for a month in one location or even move abroad for a year(s). Shop at local markets, take language classes, become a regular at the corner café.
Yummy Pro Wallet-savers
House-sit through trusted websites such as (https://www.trustedhousesitters.com/)
Off-season travel to premium destinations
House swap (try https://www.homeexchange.com/)
Stay with friends, family, friends-of-friends
Use points on airline cards
Check out AAA or AARP or other travel club group discounts
Take advantage of senior rail passes in Europe
Use Kayak (https://www.kayak.com/)
or Skyscanner (https://www.skyscanner.com/)
or other apps to find last-minute air and hotel deals
Buy or rent an RV and take to the road for days, weeks, or years
Add an extra destination to an international trip with a free multi-day layover at the airline’s hub (eg. Turkish Air – Istanbul, Icelandic Air – Reykjavik)
Consider Medical Tourism. Save tons for often quality care and have adventures while there.
Yucks:
There are LOTS of scams out there. Meticulously check reviews and consult with other trusted sources before you pay
Physical limitations may restrict some activities or require special planning
Language barriers can be challenging
Jet lag gets harder as you age
Give yourself permission just to Be
Think “vegging” is only for vegetables? Think again. Alone time. Unscheduled time. Reading time. They are all gifts if you learn to savor them. My former CEO friend, Helen, told me, “For the first time in my life, I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm just living, learning, loving. It's liberating." Others have combined vegging with connection. Consider joining a book group or a bridge club or playing on-line chess or no-stakes poker.
TAKE HOMES: Retirement isn't an ending – it's a beginning. Whether you choose to volunteer, learn new skills, work part-time, or simply explore who you are beyond your career, remember that your value doesn't come with an expiration date. As the poet Mary Oliver asked, "Tell me, what is it you plan for your one wild and precious life?" Retirement might just be the perfect time to answer that question.
Join the conversation: I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments. And don't forget to check out Fully Informed Conversations (https://www.fullyinformedconversations.org/)
Livingly yours,
Mom
Roberta Ness, MD, MPH